my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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