I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
