His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
