I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
