my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
