you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
