I'm pants shitting drunk right now
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
