Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
