just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
