Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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