i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
