we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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