we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
this will be a night to untag.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
