i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
