Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
