I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
