Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
