I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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