After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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