thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
