'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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