oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
