Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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