I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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