ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
