grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
