Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
