Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
