Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
