I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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