when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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