accomplished twins. life is a go
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
