i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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