I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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