Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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