chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
