A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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