Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
