I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
