Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
