that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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