four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
How external is "for external use only"?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
