matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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