remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
