Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
