I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i've created a new STD.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
