I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
