Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
