I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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