I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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