I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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