ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
